by Divine Theratrix

Integrating a traffic light system of cues into social behaviour

Approaching or being approached by strangers in clubs can be part of the fun of attending somewhere like Torture Garden. In this article, Divine Theratrix wants to get you thinking about conscious ways of approaching strangers, and how to communicate with people you want to be intimate with. She offers a traffic light system as a framework for understanding body language and suggests that adopting that kind of approach fosters a safer environment in sex positive spaces.

This is particularly important in a post pandemic world, where many people are having to re-learn social cues and expectations.

The Club

It was a Friday night and I’d gone to a swingers’ club with a couple of friends after we had dinner in the West End. I had not been to a swingers’ club for many years, but it was not my first rodeo, and I had a good idea of what to expect. The Club’s rules mentioned that guests might be approached by other guests, and that a polite “no thank you” would be enough to indicate that an approach was not welcome.

It was not long before the first potential suitor arrived at the nook where I was chatting with my friends. He came over and started loudly talking at me. I asked him to move his face away from my face. He complied, while at the same time swigging more sparkling wine, which dribbled down his chin and onto his jumper. I then said I did not want to talk, and he left. Later in the evening, he was back with an announcement “I’m sitting next to you because I need to rest”, again butting into the conversation I was having with my friends. At this point, anger was beginning to rise in me, and I pointed out that there were plenty of other vacant seats and he had not given me any opportunity to say if I wanted him to sit next to me or not. He protested but eventually moved away.

Permission please

I could tell you many variations of that story. Stories where permission was not asked for or given, and stories where I felt that my personal space and my emotional energy were being impinged upon by the behaviour of someone who wanted my attention. These are stories that come into existence because of the failure of people to pay attention to and respect social cues. In sex positive spaces, it is even more important that people embody consent and set boundaries in the way that they relate to others socially.

This sort of thing might not bother some people. Everyone has their own social boundaries, and mine happen to be relatively tight with strangers. I like to be given space unless I’ve given an indication that I am open to a social interaction, whereas others might be happy to be approached so long as that is without expectation. Learning when to recognise that the other person would like to end an interaction is also important; and understanding personal space, body language and verbal negotiation helps to foster consent in sex positive spaces.

Traffic lights

I use a traffic light system of safe words with my BDSM clients. “Red” is the word that means “stop”. “Orange” is the word that tells me to pause and receive feedback. “Green” is the word that tells me “yes!”. With this system in place, my clients can allow themselves to drop into a state of surrender because they trust that I will respond to their wants and needs quickly when I hear the safe words.

What if we examined the ways that people behave in social situations, and categorised their behaviour as red, orange, or green lights? Understanding behaviour in that way provides an opportunity to apply emotional intelligence. If you interpret that someone is not interested in engaging with you, you can choose to respect their boundaries and move your attempts at social interaction elsewhere. Failing to notice what I will call “red lights” can lead you to unintentionally create an oppressive atmosphere for other people who are forced to interact when they don’t want to.

An ideal world

In my ideal world, everyone would observe everyone else and pay attention to social cues, so that they can ask for and receive permission to interact where that is appropriate. Yeah, I know, it’s asking for perfection. Humans are fallible. We make mistakes. But we can learn, and we can try to be as respectful as possible. Alcohol may also impair your judgment in a club environment, so that needs to be considered too!

Going back to the club story that I told you in the beginning of this article, are you wondering how things might have played out in my ideal world? I will describe how I imagine being treated in a respectful way, by reference to traffic light signals.

You see me standing and talking to my friends. You stand nearby. My body is turned away from you and I am not making eye-contact. These are red lights. You perceive that I am engaged with other people and have not indicated interest in you, so you move on.

I am dancing with my friends, and I make eye-contact with you briefly. This is an orange light that tells you I know you are there. You do not treat this as a signal to move forward but wait for further indications of interest before you approach. I do not make eye-contact with you again, so you move on.

I am sitting talking to my friends. I am not looking at you. Seeing the absence of an orange or green light, you decide to go and amuse yourself elsewhere rather than hover around or butting in.

What the body tells you

When the body turns away or moves away, it might be saying “I am cold towards you”.

Alternatively, lingering eye-contact, a smile and open posture might be saying “I am warm towards you”.

Indeed, lingering eye-contact and a smile could be a green light that gives you permission to approach. But don’t just launch into talking! Ask for permission. Something straight forward that states your intentions is best, like “I would like to talk to you, is that ok?”. This gives the other person an opportunity to state their boundaries and an opportunity for you to honour those boundaries. It may be that they are happy to talk now, or perhaps they would prefer later, or not at all. If you keep trying to catch someone’s eye and you aren’t getting a green light, don’t linger, move on.

Giving compliments

Have you ever asked for permission to give someone a compliment? If you are already talking to someone, or you are familiar with each other, then you might have a green light to give them a compliment. Personally, unless I know someone very well, I always ask for permission to give them a compliment. Receiving a compliment is a form of attention and that might not be welcome. Check your traffic lights and ask yourself if you have permission to interact in the way that you want to.

Does this all seem a bit much? To some it will. Some will say it takes the fun and excitement out of clubbing by inhibiting peoples’ desire to connect with others. I say that it’s not too much to ask for people to put a little effort into seeing others clearly, so that we can all contribute to safer environments in sex positive spaces.

Divine Theratrix is a conscious kink and sex educator who has been attending Torture Garden for many years. She believes that the human body is art, and loves to teach people how to make art, with their art. You can find out more info here: https://divinetheratrix.com/