Fetishisation Isn’t Appreciation: Navigating Black Identity in the Kink Scene

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By Mellody JE

Hey, I’m Mellody. I’m a TG ambassador on the WeAreX App, a solo traveler, a corporate cog, a small business owner, and a bratty sub for the right Dom. When TG asked me to write a few pieces for Black History Month, I was genuinely honored. When I first joined the scene—and even now at times—it was hard to find people who looked like me. My hope is that through these pieces, we not only explore diverse cultures but also let other minorities know that we’re here, thriving, and very much part of the scene. You’re more than welcome to join us!

An open letter to the girl(s) who told me “you’re pretty for a black girl”

I was gagged by societal norms and a naïve desire to fit in. Your ignorant and racist beliefs have no place in the world. I hope you’ve grown wiser.

2016, Uni Freshers

Her and I prinking at the kitchen table. She turned to me, smiled and said it. Breezily as if she’d just praised my outfit. Except she wasn’t. It was a backhanded compliment that insulted an entire continent and made me choke on my too sweet Peach Schnapps. But first impressions count. I cant fall into the angry black woman stereotype… I excused myself and walked away. Shocked, offended and strangely guilty for feeling flattered too.

2023, Sex Party

I was at an “exclusive” sex party. Notorious for only letting in “model” and “bodybuilder/polished” types and rejecting most. I’d come solo and was cornered by a drunken woman and her leering husband. Harmless, but annoying. “I love your lips; I’ll be telling my surgeon to copy yours hahah hehehe” she giggled. Odd. She then asks me to play. I politely decline. Her response is an apologetic frown followed by “what a shame. You’re pretty for a black girl”. I freeze. Again?? I can’t fall into the angry black woman stereotype… I walk off after saying “thanks?” – a freshers party and orgy not ranking high on the list of places to have educational racial debates. I realise my mistake as soon as I make a move to leave. In avoiding conflict and inadvertently thanking her, I’d bought into her bs narrative that black isn’t beautiful. As these thoughts swirled in my mind I started to see in black and white. As in black and white skin. I was the only black woman at a sex party of over 200. The exclusivity of the party being its selling point – they don’t think black people are beautiful?!?! Or was I only allowed because the shade of my skin isn’t toooo black?!?! I felt sick. Like an animal in a gilded cage, a freak show animal, a science experiment ­- and not in a sexy way. I’d rebelled from cages before, the Black British Christianity that felt too restrictive, a career in white male dominated industry… now I wanted nothing more than to run back to where I felt I belonged, where I felt accepted and wasn’t “other”. I felt homeless now.

Fuck you for making me feel that.

The Exploitation of Sarah Baartman and Fetishization of Black People in Modern Society

Fetishization isn’t appreciation; it’s just another form of objectification – we were objectified as slaves for 400 years. Enough is enough. 

In 1810 Sarah Baartman, a Khoisan woman from South Africa, was taken to Europe under false pretenses. She was exploited and paraded arounded European “freak shows” with her especially large buttocks treated as an exotic curiosity. Spectators were even invited to touch her, reinforcing the dehumanizing portrayal of black women during that era. (You can read more about Sarah Baartman here)

These images are of Sarah Baartman. Note how minimal attention is paid to her face and in fact it’s partially covered or turned away in many of the images you’ll find of her. Her face and her mind were of little consequence to many whom she met. She was objectified and fetishized purely for her buttocks. 

Today, it is still often the case that black men and women are fetishized and stereotyped. Big black cock, big lips, big asses and sassy attitudes. “Failure” to fit into these tiny (or big) boxes is often met with surprise and sometimes – disappointment. However, black people, like all individuals, deserve to be seen for their full humanity, not reduced to superficial expectations.

Be honest about your preferences without racializing them. This encourages a more nuanced and respectful approach to attraction, ensuring that individuals are appreciated for their individual qualities rather than being reduced to their race. Statistically speaking, 100% of “men with 8inch cocks” have 8inch cocks. You won’t be guaranteed the same success rate if you go looking for “black men”. Just saying.

Today’s fetishization of black people can trace it’s roots back to slavery. The term “slave” holds deep historical trauma for black people. Whilst at the same time it’s also a well established term used to describe a BDSM dynamic.

Some black individuals reject the word, while others see it as separate from racial connotations. Both perspectives are valid, but the key is communication and mutual respect.

Personally, I use the word slave in negotiations to describe and discuss dynamics I wish to partake in. It’s a well understood term and instantly my potential Dom knows what I’m on about. However, being called a “slave” makes me deeply uncomfortable and is a biggg NONO. It feels like I’m disrespecting my ancestors’ suffering, which is an instant turn-off for me. I actually discovered this aversion whilst being chained to a bench and whipped. Let’s all learn from my misfortune and discuss the term pre scene! What I’ve described is myyy perspective, but it’s crucial to note there’s no consensus on the term’s use within the black kink community.

As with any power dynamic, everyone must clearly communicate their boundaries and advocate for their needs. Intent, communication, and mutual respect should guide every interaction. My advice? Default to not calling black people “slaves” unless a self-identified slave explicitly gives you their consent.

Some things to keep in mind

  1. Africa is not a country
  2. Be honest about your preferences without racializing them
  3. Fetishization of black people can trace it’s roots back to slavery
  4. Fetishization isn’t appreciation; it’s just another form of objectification – we were objectified as slaves for 400 years.
  5. Calling someone ‘exotic’ is just another way to say ‘other.’
  6. I can’t fall into the angry black woman stereotype… Well maybe I’m angry because you stereotyped me!
  7. Intent, communication, and mutual respect should guide every interaction.
  8. Racism in a compliment is still racism: ‘You’re pretty for a black girl’ isn’t a compliment.
  9. A person’s worth isn’t determined by how closely they fit a stereotype—see the person, not just the race.
  10. Just because it’s in a song doesn’t mean I wanna hear you say it
  11. Ebony is a type of wood or porn category. I’m black, and I’m not your porn.
This map shows the distortion in sizes of countries due to the Mercator Projection. It’s difficult to plot a spherical thing on a flat rectangular surface with real accuracy, so as a result the Mercator projection inflates the size of land masses further north of the equator (making Africa appear comparatively much smaller than it actually is). This is the standard projection taught in schools, and shows inherent biases that we take as factual.

For more info on UK Black history, head to https://www.blackhistorymonth.org.uk/

 

MUST READS:

Africa Is Not a Country – Book by Dipo Faloyin answers a lot of questions and stereotypes about the continent

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Africa-Not-Country-Dipo-Faloyin/dp/1787302954?dplnkId=020b0c86-e328-4796-a3c0-2e36fb57042b

 

Black Britain – A Photographic History – Book by Paul Gilroy

Visually stunning and a great coffee table book

https://amzn.eu/d/cnBMDaB

 

The Front Room: Diaspora Migrant Aesthetics in the Home

Dripped in nostalgia, another aesthetically amazing coffee table book and retro deco inspo

https://amzn.eu/d/hvyAFiA

 

Girl, Woman, Other – Bernadine Evaristo

‘stories of identity, race, womanhood, and the realities of modern Britain. The characters are so vivid, the writing is beautiful and it brims with humanity’ Nicola Sturgeon

https://amzn.eu/d/jg5WXxZ

 

Noughts & Crosses

YA Novel Series by Malorie Blackman

 

MUST WATCH:

Black Panther 2018

IMDb 7.3 Rotten Tomatoes 96%

Black Panther was a pivotal cultural moment for the Black community. Like many, I was deeply moved when Killmonger delivered the powerful line, “Bury me in the ocean, with my ancestors that jumped from the ships, because they knew death was better than bondage.”

For many, the film represents the untapped potential of Africa if not for the devastating impact of slavery. Vibranium, the fictional metal, symbolizes the gold, wealth, and people stolen from Africa during the slave trade. Without the relentless exploitation of resources and the destabilizing effects of the Berlin Conference, which still resonate today, how different could Africa be? Could it have emerged as a world leader if its riches had remained untouched? Black Panther explores this alternate reality within the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

The film’s portrayal of Black women with natural hairstyles, free from the pressure to conform to Western beauty standards, was both liberating and refreshing. It was also a rare depiction of Africa that wasn’t reduced to a desert wasteland or a backdrop of elephants, buffalo, and images of starving children—offering instead a vision of a rich and thriving continent.

Get Out – 2017 – Psychological Thriller by Jordan Peele.

7.8 IMDb 98% Rotten Tomatoes

 

The Help – 2011 Historical Drama

8.1IMDb 76% Rotten Tomatoes

 

The Color Purple – 1985 (**Trigger Warning SA!**) Historical Drama

7.7IMDB 73% Rotten Tomatoes

 

To Sir, with Love – 1967 – Drama Starring Sidney Poitier.

7.6IMDB 90% Rotten Tomatoes

 

Imitation of Life – 1934 – Romance Drama

7.5IMDB 88% Rotten Tomatoes

 

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