Abuse within the BDSM scene.

by Cynth Icorn

Whilst the wildfires of Marilyn Mason and other’s abusive behaviour rage, it’s vital for us to check stock within the fetish scene. As a long time professional fetish model, performer and club promoter, I appreciate how challenging it can feel to discuss abusive behaviour which can happen within our scene. I am also intimately aware of how hard we’ve worked to create spaces for ourselves where we feel safe to engage with and express our sexuality. I know we are cautious of the magnifying glass we find ourselves under, as mainstream heteronormative culture commodifies our scene and practices, but still continues to be uncomfortable or judgmental of real BDSM and fetish. It’s understandable that the scene is keen to present a clean report card to ensure we can validate ourselves as a safe, empowering space for people to indulge their sexual desires without judgement.

However, narcissists and abusers, who exist throughout all stratas of society do exist within the fetish scene too, and they can also use the performative, ‘extreme’ elements of fetish as a way to hide their true nature. It is very important to be cautious and vigilant, and supportive of their victims. Abuse within BDSM can be difficult to spot sometimes, and it can be harder to recognise within Dominant/submissive relationships, because of an agreed upon power dynamic. Whilst most of us aim to safely explore play, it can be hard to know what might put someone at risk or feel you have the ability to speak out within a scene.

As a life time fetishist and survivor of an abusive BDSM relationship I think it’s vital to use this as a reminder to check behaviour within the scene, call out abusive behaviour and educate people. On a scene that can fetishise being ‘hardcore’, ‘real’ or pushing boundaries, it’s important to find ways to ensure any of these things are done in a way which is safe.

As an 18 year old submissive, masochistic girl on the scene I felt that my submission had to be real, that meant I had to be obedient and endure pain to please my dominant. This easily evolved into master/ slave relationships which were interwoven into my romantic relationships. These could be loving caring relationships, but after several years of healthy, safe relationships which used BDSM as a way of loving I ended up in an abusive BDSM relationship. He was a professional master so I trusted him and his safety implicitly, but there was never any discussion of safe-words or his expectations of the relationship. And 3 years later the relationship ended, and I was left on my own to come to terms with how abusive and manipulative the relationship was and deal with the trauma of what he had done to me. All of this left me with Complex-PTSD, a breakdown and a restraining order against him. I stand with Rachel Wood and Amber Heard and many other victims who can’t come forward.

Tips for safe play and boundary setting

Please be cautious, promote safe play and discussions on consent and abuse. Kink should be compassionate and empowering and bring people together, and not put people in situations where they are at risk or uncomfortable.

-Discuss active consent before play and communicate with your partner what you want to do together and what they would enjoy doing.

-Be strict on breaches of consent, even if it’s a small breach it could be very indicative of their attitude towards boundaries which can be very concerning.

-Call out and discuss problematic behaviour. Does someone have a tendency towards partners who are vulnerable in one way or another?

-Do your best to consider the power dynamics at play behind consent. Do they feel safe and respected enough to use their safe word or discuss boundaries? Can they communicate easily or are they in sub space and non-communicative?

-Do your best to promote and create supportive, nurturing spaces for BDSM. Ensuring that BDSM can be safe and nurturing and caring is important and radical.

-Consider if alcohol or other substances are changing the power balance within play spaces and relationships.

-Be cautious of people who feel the need to aggrandise themselves, and consider what this might be hiding.

-Know that even if you didn’t speak out within a play scene doesn’t mean you can’t retrospectively address issues within what happened.

-Just because someone is a Dominant doesn’t mean they are always right or should always be obeyed. Equally just because someone is a Dominant, it doesn’t mean they can’t be the vicim of abuse.

-Any power dynamics outside of play should be built upon established trust and care outside of play.

This scene has spent many years working to create spaces which are safe. It is just as important that we also take stock of, and call out abusers within the scene; work to create safe spaces for those who have been victims of this kind of abuse; and educate to enable better conversations around consent and abuse. I can only speak from my own experience and hope that I can educate people to be cautious, I don’t know how we can stop abusers, but I do know that we can educate people to be aware of them, to disengage and step away from them to safety.

Further Resources

If you or someone you know is at risk or within an abusive relationship, you are not alone and there are professionals out there who can support you to get out of that relationship and into a safe space.

Refuge – Domestic Violence Helpline https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
Pink Therapy – List for Queer therapists https://www.pinktherapy.com/

Kink – Alix Fox. Discussions on assault and consent in BDSM. (Audible audiobook)