by Holly Field

A

Abduction Play: Role-play involving a submissive being kidnapped.

Abrasion Play: Stimulating the skin using something rough, such as sandpaper or a scrubbing brush.

Adult Baby/Diaper Lover (AB/DL): One partner enjoys role-playing as a baby, often in the care of a “caregiver”.  Diaper lovers enjoy wearing (and perhaps using) a diaper.  These are distinct kinks but can co-exist.

Aftercare: Following a BDSM scene, partners slowly and carefully return to their ordinary level by reflecting on, and talking about, the scene.  Aftercare is specific to each relationship and can take any form that helps to reset the power dynamic.

Ageplay: A relationship or a scene in which a person dresses and behaves as if they were younger.  Usually this is the submissive and it may or may not involve sexual relations.  It reflects the caring nature of a parent/child or teacher/student.

Anal Hook: A hook placed in the anal opening, often used in suspension bondage.

Anal Torture: Causing pain to the anus.

Anal Training: Stretching the anal sphincter by inserting increasingly large objects (usually butt plugs) into the anus.  This can be in preparation for activities such as anal sex and anal fisting.

Animal Play: Role-play in which the submissive behaves and/or dresses like an animal.

Auralism: A fetish whereby someone finds sound sexually arousing.

B

BDSM: An amalgamation of initialisms; Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission or Sadism and Masochism. 

Bondage: The act of physically restraining a partner.

Bondage and Discipline (B&D or B/D): Physically restraining a submissive and training them through rewards or punishment.

Bottom: The person who plays a submissive role in a BDSM scene.

Brat: A submissive who is disrespectful, talks back or is slightly disobedient.

Breath Play: Enhancing sexual arousal and orgasm by restricting oxygen.

C

Cat o’nine Tails: A whip with nine tails or lashes.

Chastity: A way to deny orgasm or sexual arousal by restricting access to, or stimulation of, a partner’s genitals – often by lock and key operated by the partner.  Sometimes the device used for denial is called a Chastity Belt or a Cock Cage.

Cock and Ball Torture (CBT): Achieving sexual gratification by torturing the penis and testicles.

Cock Milking: Forcing a male to release semen through his penis (without having an orgasm) by a prostate massage.

Collared/Collaring: When a submissive wears a collar, it can indicate they are owned by a Dominant.  The ownership will be formalised through a ceremony between the submissive and the Dominant (in which the submissive accepts this possession).

Consensual Non-consent (CNC): All involved people agree in advance to role-play nonconsensual activities such as kidnapping or rape.

Consent: Agreement of the actions in a scene or a relationship (BDSM or otherwise) between all parties involved.

Contract: A written agreement between a Dominant and a submissive outlining the boundaries, rules, guidelines and the structure of a relationship.  It is not intended to be legally binding.

Cuckold: The situation whereby the female partner of a heterosexual couple has sex with other partners.  The male partner may or may not be aware that he is being cuckolded.  He may be made to watch his partner having sex with other people.

Cuckquean: The situation whereby the male partner of a heterosexual couple has sex with other partners.  The female partner may or may not be aware that she is being cuckqueaned.  She may be made to watch her partner having sex with other people.

D

DD/lg (Daddy Dom/little girl): A caring relationship that reflects parent and child or teacher and student but not necessarily an act of age play.

Discipline: An activity whereby one person (usually the Dominant) trains another (the submissive) to behave in a specific way, usually by inflicting a punishment for failing to behave in the desired manner. 

Dom (from “Dominant”): A person who exercises control over another.

Dominance: The act of exercising control over another or others – asserting one’s dominance.

Dominance and Submission (or Dominant/submissive – D&S or D/s): Signifies one person relinquishing control to another, in a sexual or erotic way.

Dominant: A person who exercises control.

Dominatrix: A traditional term for a feminine Dominant.

Domme (see also “Dominatrix”): A traditional term for a feminine Dominant.

Domspace: The altered state of mind a Dom might enter during a scene.

Drop: The feeling of melancholia following a scene, party or BDSM event.  Usually the result of a decrease in endorphins produced during a scene or being amongst like-minded individuals.  Not exclusively for submissives.

Dungeon: A room or an area kitted out with BDSM equipment.

Dungeon Monitor: A person who helps maintain house rules as well as keeps play in dungeons or at play parties safe.

E

Edgeplay: Sadomasochistic play that carries a risk of emotional or physical harm.  What is considered risky for one person may not be considered risky for another person so the details of edgeplay are subjective.  However, some forms of play are nearly always risky such as breath play, blood play, fire play, gun play and rough body play – and are nearly always considered “edge play”.  Edge play can also refer to bringing one partner to the edge of orgasm, denying climax and bringing them back to the brink repeatedly.

Electroplay: Stimulating the nerves on the body by using an electrical power source.  Designed to heighten sexual stimulation, modify, tickle or torture the body.

F

Felching: The act of licking or sucking fluids (such as semen) from someone’s anus.

FemDom: A dynamic in which the Dominant is a female.

Fetish: A sexual act or an object that’s nearly always required for a person to experience sexual arousal.

FinDom (Financial Domination): A form of dominance whereby a submissive gives money and gifts to a Financial Dominant.

Fisting: Inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum.

G

Gimp: A bodysuit made of plastic, PVC, leather or a combination of these materials.  The gimp suit usually covers the face, may have openings for genitals and is used for humiliation or dehumanisation fetishes.

Golden Shower: Urinating on a partner for sexual gratification – or being urinated on.

H

Handkerchief Codes: Visible signs to show others your area of BDSM interest.

Hard Limits: Something that is non-negotiable for someone; an act someone will not do.

Hogtie: Using restraints such as rope or cuffs to tie up a submissive’s wrists and ankles, and tie them together behind their back.

Humiliation: A form of role-play which must be entered into with clear boundaries, limits and safewords to avoid damaging a relationship or a partner’s self-esteem.  This act can involve verbal (such as directing insults at a partner) or physical (such as urinating on a partner) humiliation as a means of achieving sexual pleasure.

I

Impact Play: Play that incorporates the impact of whips, crops, paddles, floggers, a hand, etc.

Infantilism: Role-play of parent/child or parent/baby.

J

Japanese Bondage (aka “Shibari” and “Kinbaku”): Artistic tying of a partner with rope that focuses on the beauty of the ties rather than their utility.

K

Kinbaku (aka “Shibari”): “The beauty of tight binding” – Japanese rope bondage using simple, yet visually appealing and complex, patterns.

Kink: Something a person finds arousing that isn’t typically sexual.

L

Limits: Acts that someone won’t do (hard limits) or is cautious to do (soft limits).

M

Masochism: The act of receiving pain for sexual gratification.

Masochist: A person who enjoys pain, usually in a sexual way.

Master: When a Dominant controls the submissive in a consensual relationship; an extreme version of D/s, usually in a 24/7 relationship.

MD/lb: Mummy (Mommy) Dom/little boy: A caring relationship that reflects parent and child or teacher and student but not necessarily an act of age play.

MedFet: A fetish for incorporating medical role-play or medical practices into a scene.  

Munch: Practitioners of BDSM meeting up in a “vanilla” location in clothes appropriate for public wear.

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Holly Field is a professional writer and editor specialising in Education, Sex and Wellness. Despite having a good education and a liberal upbringing, she found her sex education was lacking; and throughout her twenties, she noticed how conversations surrounding sex so often accompany shame. So she did something about it. For almost ten years, she’s been writing about sex, dating and relationships on her blog and writes unashamedly about her own experiences of pleasure, BDSM and kink. Holly’s on a mission to reduce the stigma around sex and desire, one article at a time…